[Back to Quotes] - [Back to Mike's Home]

Quotes - Part 1


[Previous Quotes Page] - [Next Quotes Page]

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.  -Maugham
Nothing was more natural than that these things should be the other things they absolutely were not.  -Henry James
Every time that wheel goes 'round,
You're bound to cover just a little more ground.
 -Grateful Dead
Nothin' ain't worth nothin' but it's free.  -Kris Kristofferson (paraphrase?)
Ever drifting in the stream--
Lingering in the golden gleam--
Life, What is it but a dream?
  -Lewis Carroll
But my body was like a harp, and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires.  -James Joyce
There is great disorder in the heavens, and the situation is excellent.  -Mao
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
that with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome!  Those caves of ice!
 -Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Let there be songs to fill the air.  -Robert Hunter/Jerry Garcia
A little bit faster,
A little bit more,
A little bit further than you've gone before.
 -Grateful Dead
When you're up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to remember your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
Small wheel turns by the fire and rod,
Big wheel turns by the grace of God.
 -Grateful Dead
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.  -Mark Twain
I don't trust in nothin'
But I know it come out right.
 -Weir/Hunter
Don't oppose forces, use them.  -Bucky Fuller
Goin' where the climate suits my clothes.  -Grateful Dead
God, to me...is a verb, not a noun, proper or improper.  -Bucky Fuller
The end move in politics is to pick up a gun.  -Bucky Fuller
In the beginning the universe was created.  This has widely been regarded as a bad move.  -Douglas Adams
Live dangerously.  Build your house on the slopes of Vesuvius.  -Nietzche
Almost 2000 years and no new god.  -Nietzche
We are most unfair to God: we don't allow him to sin.  -Nietzche
A mind is a terrible thing.
All this evolution nonsense is making me feel like a complete APE!  -Berke Breathed
He who controls the present controls the past.  He who controls the past controls the future.  -Orwell
'Faith' means not wanting to know what is true.  -Nietzche
How do I know the past is not a fiction conceived to reconcile the difference between my state of mind and the present.  -Douglas Adams
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty.  -Douglas Adams
Freedom is slavery.  Ignorance is strength.  War is peace.  -Orwell
Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds.  -Einstein
Never let it be said that I didn't do the least I could do.
Don't Panic.  -Douglas Adams
The upper class desire to remain so, the middle class wish to overthrow the upper class, and the lower class want a classless system.  -Orwell
The heathen run amok.  -Berke Breathed
A chicken is an egg's way of making more eggs.
I think therefore I am.  -Descartes
I think therefore I seem to be.  -Korzybski (well, he might have...)
When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it's a wonder I can think at all.  -Paul Simon
I often think it's a pity that Noah and his party didn't miss the boat.  -Mark Twain
In a democracy, people get the government they deserve.  -Adlai Stevenson
"Where there is life there is hope." So says John Gay in the Atheist's Bible.  What a starry-eyed optimist!  -Kurt Vonnegut
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong  it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.  -Douglas Adams
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.  -Douglas Adams
wave white wedded words  -James Joyce
OU812  -Van Halen
We live in our myths, we only endure reality.
The menu is not the meal.  -Alan Watts (?)
Never whistle while you're pissing.  -Hagbard Celine
Think for yourself, schmuck!  -God (to Moses) (rf. R.A. Wilson)
If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.  -Groucho Marx
Mother very easily made a jam sandwich using no peanuts, mayonnaise, or glue.  -R.A. Wilson
"I believe that truth lies in the eye of the beholder."
"Isn't that supposed to be beauty?"
"Truth, beauty, it works with a lot of things."
 -STTNG
A rose by any other name...
Would never ever smell the same,
And clever is the nose that knows,
An onion that's been called a rose.
It's log, It's log,
It't big, It's heavy, It's wood.
It's log, It's log,
It's better than bad, It's good.
 -Ren & Stimpy
Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration.  -Thomas Alva Edison
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.  -Groucho Marx
A moose once bit my sister.  -Monty Python
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
Any shrine is better than self-worship.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
God does not play dice. -Einstein
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.  -Neil Young
Meditation is not what you think.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains. -The Wizard of Oz
Sturgeon's Law:  Ninety percent of everything is crud.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. -Robert Heinlein (?)
Reality is the original Rorschach.  -Malaclypse the Younger
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.  But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.  -Niels Bohr
There's a great universe just next door...  -R.A. Wilson
"Did you know that there is a million bucks hidden in the house next door?"  "But there is no house next door."  "No?  The let's go build one."  -Groucho Marx
It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.  -Malaclypse the Younger
Diruit Aedificat Mutat Quadrata Rotundus  -Horace
You will find that the state is the kind of orginization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly too.  -John Kenneth Galbraith
Surrealism aims at the total transformation of the mind and all that resembles it.  -Brenton
Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.  -Malaclypse the Younger
No two equals are the same.  -Malaclypse the Younger
All statements are true in some sense, false in some sense, and meaningless in some sense.
The words of the foolish and the words of the wise are not far apart in Discordian eyes.  -The Book of Advice
Everybody understands Mickey Mouse.  Few understand Herman Hesse.  Only a handful understand Einstein.  And nobody understands Emperor Norton.  -Slogan of Norton Cabal
Illuminate the opposition.  -Adam Weishaupt
Quaerendo invenietis.  -JSBach
With Capitalism man exploits man.  With communism it's the exact opposite.
I can't hear the song for the singer.  -Robert Hunter/Jerry Garcia
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.  -Mark Twain
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also in prison.  -Henry David Thoreau
Absurdity, n.:  A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Alliance, n.:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:  To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Idiot, n.:  A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Impartial, adj.:  Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Ink, n.:  A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Mad, adj.:  Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Molecule, n.:  The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Mythology, n.:  The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Peace, n.:  In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Positive, adj.:  Mistaken at the top of one's voice.  -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
It isn't true unless it makes you laugh, but you don't understand it until it makes you cry. -R.A. Wilson (?)
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?  -Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."  -Mark Twain
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.  -Mark Twain
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.  -Mark Twain
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.  -Mark Twain
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.  -Mark Twain
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It will only waste your time and annoy the pig. -Old Irish Proverb
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.  -Mark Twain
(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth -- the alternative is death by hanging."  "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."  "I don't believe you."  "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.  -Albert Einstein
A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.  -Robert Frost
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.  -Albert Einstein
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?  -Steven Wright
"I believe in Spinoza's God who reveals himself in the orderly harmony of what exists, not in a God who concerns himself with fates and actions of human beings."  -Albert Einstein
It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religous convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated.  I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.  -Albert Einstein
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why:  it is going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.  In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.  -Frank Zappa
Art is anything you can get away with.  -Marshall McLuhan
Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
Hacker's Law:  The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hofstadter's Law:  It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:  Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.  -Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born.  -Francois Fenelon
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.  -Henry Kissinger
You know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time.  -Steven Wright
I have a full-size map of the world.  At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.  -Steven Wright (The menu is not the meal.)
Why is the alphabet in that order?  -Steven Wright
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no straight lines. -Bucky Fuller
In English, every word can be verbed.
Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would notify you if the record has pornographics material or material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on the album cover is good indication that it's not for little Johnny."
-The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the sort of person I'm preaching to.  -J.R. Dobbs
"I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't -- till I tell you.  I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- that's all."  -Lewis Carrol
User, n.:  The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."  -Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
Democracy, n.:  A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass meeting or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.  -U.S.Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), since withdrawn.
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
Never try to outstubborn a cat.  -Lazarus Long
People need good lies.  There are too many bad ones.  -Bokonon

[Previous Quotes Page] - [Next Quotes Page]


[Back to Quotes] - [Back to Mike's Home]